Alone Not Lonely: Seek You by Kristen Radtke
This week I read distractedly, but still managed to finish my recent subway read, Seek You: A Journey Through American Loneliness, by Kristen Radtke. Shout out to Hurricane Ida, who completely destroyed my copy. I am happy to report that after rigorous testing, this book smells fantastic, before and after being wrecked by a hurricane. I can’t say the same for my beloved journal, which is currently drying my blurred memories in front of my AC.
What else can I report? This cooler weather has given me an absolute tirade of energy, and I’ve been working from my friendly neighborhood coffee shop, Win Son, where the tea is hot and the mochi doughnuts and scallion pancakes are hotter.
Being around strangers for the first time in a while leads to a lot of people watching and distraction, but also gives me a
sense of community and purpose that is hard to keep in touch with when you’re sitting at home in your room. As I’m sure you are all aggressively aware.
Anyway, this isolation situation is something that I started considering way back when I was writing my thesis, which focused on young (female) adult loneliness during the collegiate experience… flash forward just a few isolated months...and here I am. A good friend recommended (and then sent me) a copy of this graphic novel (thanks Luke!). Before picking it up, loneliness seemed like the intersection between all of our thoughts right now, and after reading it, I feel like I understand why a little bit more.
It was a compelling easy read, and Radtke touched on more topics than I ever thought possible without overwhelming my fiction-reader sensibilities. From science experiments to sitcoms, raising children to sex work, she illuminates how love and connection, and by extension the loneliness that comes with it, is pervasive. Emotional connection is something that is just as necessary to the body as food and water, she writes, citing that without it people tend to die earlier. I was often surprised by what Seek You taught, and I would recommend it if you are at all interested in the way that people connect to each other, especially in the context of this new time we are living through.
Apparently, loneliness is a signal just like hunger, and that we should listen to it like a body cue rather than like a feeling. When I have felt my most lonely, I’ve treated it as a deep feeling and acted accordingly, searching for self-care behaviors that often leave me feeling the same as before. For a long time, I was focused on the division of being alone vs. being lonely. I was convinced that there was a sweet spot, if I practiced hard enough, that would allow me to spend endless time alone with no sneaky feelings of missing people. I still fantasize about living alone in a cabin, backpacking through countries with a few books and a journal, and owning a studio apartment where I go to bed without saying goodnight to anyone. I guess to me, those things are the image of self-sustainability. I think, if I can do those things without yearning for connection, I’ll truly be powerful/independent/complete. Realistically, I rarely spend any time alone. I’m terrible at it because loneliness can creep up on me in a matter of hours, and then I find myself wading into the feeling instead of enjoying being on my own. After this book, I’m going to strive to treat “lonely” as less of a pesky feeling than as a symptom of need. Here’s to learning things with books!
Above all, I felt like the book hammered home that we are all experiencing loneliness together. There were so many stories that it felt like I was diving into an anthology of understanding, which is nice to have at my disposal. While I didn’t fall off my chair with joy about this title, it was a solid read, and something I think will have filed in the back of my mind for a long while.
If you’re feeling lonely, rest assured, I probably am too, at least once a day, and it’s a sign that you know what connection feels like, and that you’ll seek it out again soon. Until then, listen to this lil’ playlist as a nod of understanding from me to you. Good luck out there.
